on hold...

Winter has been holding her breath, here in this cement canyon that i have become accustomed to living in. No r.e.a.l. cold temperatures, and, sadly for me...no snow. At all. Instead, it's been rather unpredictable day to day, even hour to hour. Yesterday, I saw warmer temps in the morning (so I wore my Barbour oilcloth to work, sans scarf & gloves) turning into grey, turbulent & ghostly skies; then morphing into a mid afternoon squall, which diffused into a sweet, sunny & bright, blue eyed smile...only to snap right back into a cold, smart~ass attitude. I can't tell if it's the extreme dose of Vitamin C + Zinc + echinacea I'm taking nightly or the vaccine I received in October that's keeping me from coming down with the flu...but I'm getting through it.

Really, I am okay.

I awoke this morning feeling happy...heart happy...and it's a GLORIOUS thing! Having spent the last 7 weeks in a state of...shall i say, numbing sadness, depression & sorrow...this shower of happiness feels familiar & it feels r.i.g.h.t. I knew the moment I woke up that I had been blessed with a gift of understanding, release & pure joy. It came to me in the form of a dream, & for that I am truly grateful. But for all those days between then & now, as I held my breath & lost my voice & submerged into the turbulent, ghostly, & unpredictable, I had your love, support & encouragement & your gifts. I am indebted to each & every one of you, special ladies that I can call A FRIEND.

And so, my friends, this is for you. This is my note to thank you, beyond what words can express, for shining your light on me throughout my darkness. For holding my hand, & my heart, in yours. For reminding me that life & the love of that life, after death, continues on...in ALL ways, in any form, & no matter how unpredictable. So I will hold on & continue to love that ever present S.P.I.R.I.T. of my sweet boy in a new way...& it will feel all right.

Really, it IS all right.

the deep end...

I remember learning how to swim when i was a young girl. I was in gym class & forced to jump off a diving board into the deep end of the pool. All my life, up until that point, swimming meant standing in knee deep water holding my ground while the waves of Lake Michigan crashed, chest high, into me. I liked the beach & wearing my 2 piece suits. I was never alone, always having someone to grab onto or run ashore to. & I never made it past the breakers. & i never got my face wet. Some summers the lake was so polluted with dead alewives we couldn't even walk the shoreline, let alone take a dip in the ice cold water. So standing in single file with my other classmates, all wearing the school issued, stiffly bleached 1 piece swimsuit (& for me, all too short for my long torso) waiting for that dreaded whistle to blow designating my turn to jump...just wasn't my style. In fact, it scared me. Like a cow to slaughter, i was poked & prodded & i bucked & resisted & moved back in line as far back as I could go, every time, until there was no one else left for me to hide behind...until it was just me, all alone, out on that diving board. I can still see the coach standing on the side of the pool waving that aluminum pole, whistle in mouth, screeching "Get Going, JUMP, we haven't got all day, JUMP now, you're the LAST one, now GET GOING, juuuuuuuump!" Every time I wanted to turn & run, turn & run, ruuuuun...but I didn't. & each time I'd tug once more, at my wedgie, & adjust once more, my bathing cap, & I'd hold my shallow breath & close my eyes & I'd j.u.m.p. But as soon as I'd surface, my flailing arms would grab for her dangling aluminum pole so that I could be pulled out of that scary deep end & into the sacred shallows. Twice a week for 8 weeks I feared my way through swimming class, but I never got used to it & i never liked it. Funny, I'm feeling at the edge right now. At the deep end. Again. Being poked & prodded while i buck & resist. My heart is pounding. I don't like it & I'm uncomfortable. My chest feels tight & my breaths are short & shallow. Only, instead of fear I feel pain & sadness. & I feel like running. Again. Forest Gump-like running... running&running&running until I just can't run anymore. Until the sadness swims away.

auld lang syne...

thank you friends for visiting me here, leaving your love, prayers & your comments...as well as those who sent me personal letters, over the past 2 weeks while I struggled with the sudden illness & death of my Abyssinian, Puja. I cannot express enough, in words, the comfort it has given me & how it continues to help me process & grieve this huge loss. i love you all very much. peace be with you this holiday. xo

sleep in heavenly peace...

Yesterday, while I was at work, my precious boy, Puja Shin, passed away in my husband's arms as sweet love messages were whispered in his ear. He was our best boy, a bird boy (wouldn't eat red meat) & as our friend Jimmy would say...a wolf~boy! He taught me many, many things but the best of all was that he taught me how to love him with such a tenderness. He had a gentle heart, a strong character, a mischievous mind & one great spirit. We were his pride. He was our joy...and He was also a momma's boy. We spoiled him oodles & he deserved it. He lived a really good, loved & long life: 2/11/1998 ~ 12/18/2011. He was such a smart & beautiful Abyssinian boy, and He was so good to me. We were blessed to have had him in our lives. He was a special gift. There's a stillness in our home, his home, this home now that he's gone, and a very quiet light. a very quiet light. I miss him so very much. I miss him so much.

silent nights...

i am struggling right now. little things seem so BIG, and big things seem so unimportant. i don't know how to do this. i don't know if i can, yet i know i must. somehow. find the strength. cradle the love. kiss the soul & lift the spirit of my sweet dying boy. soak in every last bit of tenderness every last purr, that i can. & do it right. i must. do him right. i am in a quiet light these days. i am in a quiet light. XO

If only I could fly...

only you would understand...

the Eagle has landed,

bearing tender gifts for a wild heart...

sometimes the message travels on the tip of a wing

&

love is a feather.

above & beyond...

you're up, up in the air by now,

our home is silent & still.

i miss your movement

&

your noise.

a day...

i had a day in the park last week & it looked like this

it began w/friends at a pond off of 5th Ave & 106th St

and ended with those same friends 

(strawberry margaritas & one "possible" wedding date...jimmy: you can do it!) 

on 38th Street.

there was a lot of talking,

 a little photo shooting,

&

a lot of walking.

i learned something about myself that day...

in a city of 8.1 million people,

i have no interest in photographing any of them.

case in point...only 6 photos to share...sans peeps.

it's just a glimpse...
a little slice of the peace & tenderness that can coexist with the over abundance of stimulus.
peace & tenderness...

just the way i like it.

Good Golly Miss Molly...

i just opened my mail box & fell in love...

Have you seen 

THIS?

It is inside the new October ANTHROPOLOGIE catalog,

specifically on the back cover...

featuring our fellow Etsian potter...

Miss Molly Hatch!!!

I know first hand how beautiful her hand painted ceramics are

&

now the world can!

CONGRATS MOLLY!

Thank you for making my every morning pot of tea, 

my every lunch, brunch & celebratory dinner,

his every afternoon coffee break,

&

our just desserts...so much more beautiful because of your creativity!

XO

a tart&tiny tribute...

photo by Jillian Lukiwski of thenoisyplume

i can only imagine...

what she smelled like, 

how soft her ears were, 

how striking those baby blues were in person,

what it must have felt like to hold that sweet, precious face in the palms of your hands, 

what it was like to be licked by her, bitten by her, & loved by her, 

how well she behaved or how nasty she played,  

what made her laugh or made her bark, 

if she slept with you, Penelope or Farley in the dark, 

what her favorite toy was, 

what her favorite joy was,

if she listened to beethoven, beyonce or rock, 

if she napped in the afternoon & if she snored at night,  

if she was a campfire girl, a mommy's girl or a daddy's girl,

if she swam in the rivers & ran in the moonlight,

if she dreamed in color or black & white?

i can't imagine...

losing her, and the way in which you did.

JL & RW,

my heart aches for your loss...

she heels at heaven's gate for you.

XO
~nMc~

the end of the affair...

let's be honest

it's been a struggle since day 1.

i thought i knew what i was getting into...

 i had no idea i would lose control. of myself.

i was seduced by your good looks, charm & popularity.

EVERYbody was talking about you!

i wanted some of that too.

you have sooooo many friends

& 

 i needed one. a friend.

just not hundreds.

& you sure do know how to throw a gooood party!

 but when i caught you out one night, "Social Network" ing

i wanted to end our relationship right then & there.

i could see clearly then how you didn't have

my best interests in mind. ever.

it was always all about YOU.

but i didn't end it, instead i waited.

i thought there might be some old, long lost friend trying to find me.

i don't have any old, long lost friends.

and i thought we'd make good business partners,

but you have no business knowing my business.

when i shared my thoughts & feelings with you, you kept nothing private.

when i'd come to visit, you'd invite all of your friends. 

we were never alone.  i felt like a nosy parker...

&

that's really not who i am.

i should have known. better.

so, i'm breaking up with you, B.F. i mean, F.B. cuz

i'm really not that into you.

of course you'll be fine without me,

why i'm betting that you won't even miss me,

little ol' me!

but incase you do, 

you'll have my profile, postings & photos at your fingertips,

to use anytime & any way you want.

like i've never left.  like you own me. 

well, you do now. 

don't you.

toodles

&  

Have a Great Life!

beauty in the unexpected...

i had other things on my mind this morning with a to~do list a mile long.  in between kissing the husband goodbye @ the elevator & welcoming the plasterer inside to repair the living room from the damage caused by last month's hurricane rains, i sat for a brief moment in a peaceful silence & a warming light.  i caught time standing still for me & it changed my focus.  for a brief moment time was no one else's but mine.  & in the details of the simplest things i enjoyed the beauty in the unexpected.

*Small Collections Ring: When this Desert was the Ocean Floor by The Noisy Plume

*Pisces Meets Taurus Leather Bag by Linny Kenney

*Organic coffee by Le Pain Quotidien 

my one & only...

Spartacus...

~our beautiful young warrior~

may you rest in peace...

om shanti, shanti, shanti

It's not often that when our tv is playing the History Channel isn't on.  A sunday evening back in 2010 was one of those rare moments when the station being viewed belonged to Starz & the program playing was Spartacus: Blood & Sand.  Normally, a title with the combination of words such as blood...sand...wouldn't interest me, but the minute i saw that Thracian Gladiator with the piercing blue eyes, my attention was full on. His performance was powerful & captivating!  As Robert Lloyd from the LA Times so kindly wrote of Andy Whitfield as Spartacus: "handsome and buff and smart & beastly."  oh my.

As the show progressed & characters such as Lucretia (played awesomely by Lucy Lawless) & Batiatus, played intensely by John Hannah (remember him in 3 Weddings & a Funeral?) were introduced, i was completely hooked!  Yes it was bloody, but Gladiators do what Gladiators must;  and yes it was sexually explicit, well, Romans do what Romans must.  Mostly it was thoroughly entertaining & after all is said & done, told us a story inspired  by a historical figure!  Without a doubt,  i looked forward to my sunday evenings w/my warrior!

I will miss Andy in the lead role.  He will always be my one & only...Spartacus. 

~May you rest in blissful peace & may your spirit run wild, run free.~
namaste

nyc...10yrs after...

why is the CAPE my wardrobe essential?

because it looks & feels so good.

try it on for size...you might never take it off.

recreating...

in a new way,

because of YOU...thank you!

September Session #2

September Session: #1

September Session...

Just picture it!

I'm going to be savoring the month of September, one photo at a time!

Inspired by a few of my blogger friends who participated in Susannah Conway's:  The August Break 2011 last month, I've decided to do a similar project and I'm calling it September Session: Just picture it!

Enjoy the opportunity to express yourself with a photograph or two!

You can post a single image, with or without words,

once a day, once a week or even once in the month!

You can post a collage, with or without words, 

once a day, once a week or once in the month!

It's your decision. 

Anything goes!

So if you're like me & have a lot going on this month or just up for the challenge...
come participate in September Session: Just picture it!

Take a break or take a challenge by taking a picture
&
have FUN with it!

Enjoy the month!

be back in a jiffy...

sink & swim...

this is one of those times,

to spread my wings

& 

 reach deep into my soul.

to sink

&

swim.

to backstroke

&

float.

to dive

&

live.

to free fall

&

sail.

this is one of those times.

i am here

@

~souLodge~

&

i am treading in deep waters.

i am excited.

i am searching.

i am bursting.

i

am

ready

to play, to explore, to share

& set my wild animal spirit

free.

XO 

before i wake...

sometimes i drift into a place

where i am hovering in the darkness

&

there is light.

beautiful light.

i float between the strands of time
where nothingness
is
everything.
it is unborn.
it is sublime.

waves lapping against the quay

merging & dissolving my body

flames engulfing the birch wood log

igniting & melting my heart

winds swaying through the long, tall grass

stirring & purifying my spirit

roots twisting out of the tall white pine

penetrating & anchoring my soul

free floating spirit...

thoughtless
speechless
senseless

i cease to be

weightless
breathless
nimbus

i am whole.

staying positive...

i was going to start out this post by complaining how i didn't get to go to Paris/Marseilles&Provence...but i changed my mind.  i decided to see it from an alternative point of view & trash my complaints, look at my time spent cleaning, rehanging pictures, vintage prints & a 20lb oil painting, moving furniture back & forth & up & down, purging all sorts of things (byeBYE magazines)...with a positive spin!  well now that wasn't so hard.

i really enjoyed my time away.
i stayed home & cleaned a lot...A LOT (bedroom looks smashing, new ceiling & all)!
i brought home lilacs, lovely lilacs.
i doooo love lilacs.
i set a killer table with my lilacs & oh~so pretty~in~pink ceramics.
i made one FANTASTIC brunch on that killer table.
i helped reorganize our library.
i brought books to work for my coworkers to read, they were so pleased.
i cleaned every piece of silver jewelry i have.
my silver jewelry sparkles now.
one bathroom got repainted. white.
i like a white bathroom. my master bath is tiled floor to ceiling in an awful old&ugly, pink&grey pinstripe & i can't do anything about it (oops i slipped into negative) except...LIVE with it & ENJOY it to the best that i can...hmmmm.
we went out for Magaritas one night.  :)
i bathed once.
i'm joking...TWICE it was!
i thought of all of you many, many, many times throughout my staycay.
i received wonderful cards & letters from loving friends.
i didn't go near a computer. my nails are unpolished & chewed raw...i mean au naturale & short.
hubby bought me a laptop.
it's a really nice laptop.
:))))))))
& now...
i'm veryVERYvery happy.
the hives have disappeared. headaches & bodyaches gone. plaster dustDUSTdust wiped out. attitude is 100% in alignment & that's a really good thing.
needless to say i MISSED YOU all & have lots of catching up to do!
look out, here i come!
XO

i didn't mean to take another week off,  but i did & i will see you all next week...ENJOY!
with peace,  love, beauty  & a whole lotta  gratitude!
OxO!
~N

alleluia...

we literally have a roof over our heads & can sleep at night!

our vaycay turned into a staycay BUT...

peace, love & the lightness of being 

returns!

THANK YOU for missing me as much as I have missed all of YOU!

YESTERDAY:

TODAY:

i'm on my way...

...home!

i miss my space,

my room,

my side,

my closet,

my southern city view,

my window a/c,

my bathroom,

my mon~petite east river view.

all of it,

&

especially

our desktop,

because i miss all of YOU!

my days of camping out in the living room are nearing the end, YAY, as the serious repairs to our ceiling are almost complete...i couldn't stand it any longer so we snuck into our bedroom, unwrapped the armoire, plugged in the mac so we could reconnect...here are the pics... & i'll see you all SOON!

:)